Unsightly epiphanies... take one

I'm beginning to suspect I use stress as an excuse to be apathetic and unorganized.

I feel it on Monday's especially when I come to my middle school.  I really don't want to be here, especially on Monday.  It's a looooooooooooooooooooooong work day, with some of my worst, most apathetic, and dismissive students.  I hate being in class with them.  I hate thinking about them.  I even hate planning lessons for them.  Unfortunately, that is what my Mondays are almost entirely composed of.
Planning takes up the vast majority of my energy these days, much more so than actually teaching.  Since I can never teach the same lesson more than twice, I really have to make close to twenty individual lessons a week, each lesson must attempt to cater to the needs of a specific class.

It's quite exhausting and stressful trying to imagine all the variables in a given class, while making a curriculum on the fly unassisted.  I think that is what frustrates me the most teaching in this school, the lack of guidance, goals, help, criticism, anything!  I'm lucky they even tell me when my classes are being held!
So I find my stress level has vastly increased when compared to last semester.  I appreciate being given freedom to plan my own lessons, but not having been informed prior to the start of semester prevents me from preparing materials in advance.  Now I feel I am perpetually catching up on plans, materials, lessons, and all manner of shit that is necessary to teach in an ESL classroom.

Thus, I find my desk is a perpetual mess.  My mind even more so, always in a furious flurry to figure out what the hell I'm going to do next class (often a few hours prior).  I feel this is what is fueling my desire to remain aloof from my students, to prepare the minimal amount of material, and generally not care about their learning.  I've wanted to help them learn so much since I've come to this school.  Yet, I find that whenever I invest myself into creating a better program, I get shot in the foot.  Either I'm cut off from my classroom, deprived of my resources, or given extra students and classes without warning!  I realize this is the hazard of working in Korea, I've been patient and understanding, but days like today make me feel like I'm coming loose!  What's worse is that I feel that in being treated in such a flippant and offhanded way makes me realize my school doesn't give a damn about what my classes are about and if there is any student progress.  It depresses me terribly to feel my work is a joke, yet they smile so wide and try to be encouraging.  I cannot help but feel those smiles are false and their intentions are as insincere are their goals are nonexistent. 

I realize that the best approach to this situation is the hands off Zen mentality, to let it be and flow with it.  Were it just about me, I'd be perfectly comfortable with this approach.  However, I'm a teacher, I have students to consider.  Their needs, goals, and education aren't just abstracts to me.  I am a facilitator of their learning, I feel I should be invested in their education.  Yet, no one else (not even my students) seems to care.
Sadness and rage stems from this.  I'd rant more, but I fear I must prepare a lesson for a couple classes of unruly high schoolers.

To give a damn or not give a damn? 
That all too often is the question....