But it's a holiday, and everything is closed (except the grocery store, thank god!) Sullen and disappointed that my perfectly planned day off was interrupted I decided to take advantage of the "warm" day and hike up Namsan, the mountain behind my home.
It's been a couple months since I've been up this particular trail, and with the short days I knew I had to be quick about it. I set myself a time limit for reaching the summit, but that didn't mean I hurried. Armed with a camera and a need to stretch my legs, I set out from town up the snow packed trails of Namsan.
I hadn't had a conversation three days.
It wasn't startling, amusing, or upsetting. It was the calm sort of epiphany that comes out of silence. Meditation, contemplation, acceptance.
I strolled higher and higher, feeling sweat beading on my brow the higher I climbed. I hadn't spoken to anyone, sought out any friends, or been sought out by anyone in a few days. The thing that might seem odd, is that I wouldn't have it any other way.
Anyone who has met me would see it isn't a stretch of the imagination to call me an introvert. Not that I dislike seeing and speaking to people, it's one of my consistent joys in life. I love hanging out and being social, but I also love being alone. This weekend of solitude reminds me that I not only like being alone, I need to be alone.
I love seeing my friends, and getting into all the ridiculous situations that we do. Yet, I find that when I spend too much time out with others, I get anxious. I don't know if it shows, but I feel testy, sometimes irritable, other times overly self-conscious. Without a doubt, after a while I feel a deep draw in my chest, a pull that informs me I need to be alone.
It's not always the same, sometimes I feel this way after a few days or weeks, other times I've been out and felt the need to be alone after a matter of minutes! (not that that means I didn't enjoy the company I was keeping at the time) It's always different, but I feel that's part of who I am, this draw to step aside for a bit and just be alone....
They do, actually. Sometimes I feel a deep loneliness, I can't call it profound, though I do a great deal of thinking during these times. And yes, this sort of loneliness is coupled with sadness.
Not the sort of sadness that makes you cry or cringe, something else. Perhaps sadness isn't the right word, because I find that amidst these feelings I experience great calm. Not always peace, but calm.
Being alone is a great time to meditate, something I fail to do as often. After this weekend I think I might have to make a point to set aside time for it.
When I say meditation, I don't mean sitting on the floor with my legs crossed trying to calm my mind.
(I'm really lousy at sitting meditation anyway, my legs fall asleep too quickly).
I actually prefer active meditation, in this case, walking meditation. Some Zen scholars assert that there are at least three kinds of meditation, standing, sitting, and lying down. Meditation is not meant to have a purpose or a goal. It's something you do for it's own sake, and many people experience clarity and enlightenment from it.
Personally, I meditate as a way to get crap out of my head.
Do you ever have those strings of nonsensical thought clouding up your head? What Alan Watts aptly called "chatter in the skull." I get it all the time and I find it accumulates, kind of like plaque when you fail to brush your teeth. With the chatter comes, fears, worries, stress, and other anxieties that creep in from daily life. When I meditate, I don't suppress these thoughts. In fact, I do the opposite, I let them run amok as I walk. All sorts of things came through my head as I hiked up Namsan. Thoughts of friends near and far, trips I mean to take, languages I want to learn, lesson plans I haven't made yet, office politics, and songs that have been stuck in my head for weeks. I let it all run its course, not caring what came to mind and in what order. I let it all go hog wild until at last, somewhere around halfway down the mountain, it came to a stop.
Quiet....
And that's meditation for me, letting it all come out (in my head) until I get that quiet catharsis behind my eyes. It's that breath of fresh air, that seat after a long hike, warmth after a walk in the cold.
And my god how I've needed it!
Walking meditation has escaped me while I've been in Korea. In fact, solitude has evaded me more often than not in this country. Korea is a very communal culture, not only that, it's highly technological. Everyone is wired in with smart phones, internet, and other devices. People are constantly in contact with one another.
It makes me think of my students, especially middle school. Even in a 45 minute class, I have kids who are constantly on their phones. If not texting, then playing games, or otherwise ignoring the lesson.
I realize my students likely suffer from a great deal of "all work and no play," Korean students are constantly studying, but they are also constantly stimulated. With so much technology and so much time in school, I can't help but wonder when they have time to themselves. I wonder what it would be like to be born in such a profoundly social society such as Korea, being the introvert I am. How would such kids cope with the lack of free time? The lack of quiet? Or do they even notice?
I accept that everyone is different, and they cope with life in their unique ways. This is one of the reasons I find meeting people to be such a joy, experiencing unique perspectives and personalities.
But sometimes, you just need to get away. To go to the mountains, to be alone and revel in all the feelings that get bottled up in everyday life.
I came off the mountain in a sort of swagger that is wholly unlike my usual walk. It was lazy and loose, a combination of tired limbs and placid mind. I couldn't help but smile, feeling like Peter Pan, having captured my happy thought.
But I don't need to fly, walking is enough for me right now. I look forward to seeing people soon, having a good conversation and a couple of laughs. Yet, I'm also eager to get back to the mountaintop.
There's a lot more up there than just a view....
